Niels Holm's Farewell Letter
October 25, 2007 post on
Niels Holm Care Page
(Eva) have been asked to post the letter from
Niels that O'Neill read at the memorial. Here is what O'Neill read:
I promised Niels that I would bring his words to you. He would have
loved to be here as he wanted to show off once more dancing with me.
He loved Port Townsend parties so much. I am going to save my own
remembrances for one on ones over time. They are so many and so
precious I will hold them here for now.
My dear family and my wonderful friends in community. Thank you for
meeting me on my extraordinary life-journey and helping me die a
peaceful death. I am not sad. I had a beautiful life, found an amazing
community and my soul-mate
and sweetheart for what turned out to be my old age.
Thank you for meeting me authentically whenever you were able and in
any way you could. My dear Sally, you were the perfect mother for
Silas. Silas, I love you and have complete faith in your ability to
rise to the challenges I put before you.
You always did and no doubt are and meeting them. Sorry I left you so
much deferred maintenance, but it will help you develop.
You have developed from a very beautiful baby (obviously, as you
looked just like me) to an extraordinarily perceptive and
compassionate human being. Your talents are obvious and I am so proud
of you. No father could want more.
O'Neill, Sweetheart, we did it. Everything we ever hoped for in a
we created together. My love for you is so wide and so deep. Hold in
all I have expressed to you in what look to be my last days.
My family, I have had visits and phone calls from you and I think I
said to you what I had to say and whatever you could hear. Thank you
for supporting Silas, O'Neill and I during the challenges of my
illness and death.
I want to tell you, my family and friends about what I learned in my
last years, when I went from being 16 to 60 in eight years. I came to
Port Townsend a 36 year old
Puer (perpetual child) and I died as an elder. What I developed was my
capacity to truly love without fear or reservation. All of you played
a part in that as you supported us.
The first inkling I had that I really needed to grow up was when I
realized how I was shaming Silas and also other people, putting them
down to put myself up.
I don't claim to have completely stopped, but once it was named I
could be called
on it, by others and myself. I know I remained competitive,
argumentative and full
of opinions and was very often very difficult. I think if I had known
how much people loved me, I might have been more polite. But O'Neill
says that she preferred my being authentic and maybe that is part of
why I was loved. All I know is that I hope I didn't really hurt
anyone. It was not my intention if I did.
In this life what I learned most of all was to love and to be loved. I
never knew before these last few years that it was possible to find so
much joy, peace, happiness, equanimity and love. I am no longer sad
about dying. The love that has poured forth in these last weeks have
helped me accept the transition that is surely coming soon.
These are the precepts of what I called, BuVu. 1) Do not lie and 2) Do
not put down others to raise up yourselves. If you follow these you
will have a happier life.
Thank you to all that helped us in these last difficult weeks, driving
us, taking phone calls, staying to help in the night, bringing us
things, making sure I had the right pain medicine, being with us and
especially help O"Neill as she was taking care of me and the
household. Roger, Peter John, Arne, Lindsay, Louis, John and
Vicki, Adriane and Jim, Theresa, Joan, Helen, Rima, Kolby, Dava,
Marni, Alex, Sally and Lee and Hospice nurses.
Thank you everyone. I die grateful for my life and with acceptance
that I am shedding the form that has been temporarily Niels Thorkild