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Thank You and OK!: an American Zen
Failure in Japan
by David Chadwick
ISBN 978-1-59030-470-9 / May 2007
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DRIVING ME CRAZY
from PART FIVE - LOOKING - page 285
This is by far the most popular chapter from Thank You and OK. Tricycle magazine published a somewhat shortened version of this story something like a year or two before the book came out (1994) - that was a mistake. When the book did come out, I got them to review it, to budge from their policy of not printing both an excerpt and a review, by protesting that the excerpt had been so long before publication. After that, anytime I had a discussion with someone from Tricycle about an article, they always asked if I could write something like Driving Me Crazy.
The version below is from a folder called TY LAST but there were some revisions after that and six printings of the Penguin publication with some tiny changes in there - maybe not in this piece. The Shambhala publication was just a straight copy of the 6th Penguin printing - I couldn't make any changes or corrections of post sixth errata, couldn't get my web site mentioned, not even on the back cover which has been changed some, the latter because I mentioned it too late I think.
In my very first book event ever, at A Clean Well Lighted Place for Books in San Francisco, I made the mistake of saying that my then wife and still dear friend Elin and I were talking about Japan so much when we returned to the States that we had a secret way of stopping each other from doing that by using the code phrase, "Darling, did we feed the gerbils?" and so I told the sizable audience that if I went on to long just to say that. Toward the end of reading from this chapter a woman interrupted by saying loudly, "Gerbils!" and angrily started ranting about how I was being racist and stereotyping Japanese and on and on and on and I thought, horrors, is that what book signings are going to be like? and jeez, next is Berkeley - they'll lynch me. I started off my answer to her by sighing and saying that life can be more fun than that, and told her that I was just reporting on what happened, that it's a true story and people everywhere are silly at times and shouldn't be protected from being told on. Later, Michael Wenger of the SFZC suggested that I be careful in public speaking not to put people down, however subtly, even if they're attacking me. Good point. But, contrary to my fears, I never got an angry question like that again. Just the first time. Weird huh? Well so was my experience of obtaining a drivers license in Japan. Enjoy dear reader.]
October 20, 1989 - DRIVING ME CRAZY
My first trip to the Maruyama Driver's License Test Building had been spent mainly helping the clerk do an analysis of my passport, enumerating the countries I'd visited, the dates I had gone in and out of the U.S. and other countries. The stopover in Hawaii for an hour on the way to Taiwan three years previously was properly noted. The space of time between the Taiwan trip and my arrival date in Japan was marked down. My month in Thailand and the side trip to Malaysia, as well as the times of visa extensions in Japan, were not neglected. It was a curious procedure. This was local government, not Immigration, and I did not get the point. But mine not to reason why.
I was told by the precise and bespectacled clerk that I had the honor of being eligible to apply for a Japanese driver's license although I would have to come back on another day to do so. I made an appointment and thanked him for his assistance. He expressed gratitude for my cooperation and handed me a form in Japanese which he said I should fill out before my return.
A week later I came went back to the Driver's License Test Building, arriving between 8:30 and 9:00 AM, as I had been instructed. It took about an hour and a half on two buses to get to the building which was way out of town toward the Inland Sea. I brought everything I was supposed to bring including copies of my California license and every page of my passport. It was only a quarter till nine and the building was already filled with young people, housewives, a few middle aged men and some older people who must have come to get their driver's licenses renewed. Hundreds of people. There were endless lines and folks mulling about. No wonder I was told to come so early, I thought, it's gonna take me all day merely to get to the window. But I didn't know which window to go to, so I went to the information counter. There was no line in front of it which meant to me that I was the only person in the room who didn't know what to do. But I liked the answer that I got there when I asked where to go: I was sent to another deserted window where I was met by no fewer than four different nervous Driver's License Test Building employees. I felt very special. I was.
One employee wearing a neat blue uniform and thick glasses sat in front of me as the other employees looked on. He smiled and said good morning in English and I smiled and said good morning in English and then in Japanese to all four of them. The observers all bowed smiling and relieved that I could say, "Ohayo gozaimasu," and they nodded and laughed among themselves in approval. So far, so good.
I presented my bundle of documents to the man in front of me and he looked through them carefully and seemed pleased. We reviewed the itinerary of past travels without a hitch. The others left us alone having done their part in assuring me by their presence that I was being well taken care of.
The man who was left with the task of helping me straightened his glasses and went straight to the form that I was supposed to have filled out. I hadn't. I had tried to fill it out with savvy Ishitaki but since nothing applied to me she had decided it was a mistake. It wasn't. At least it was no mistake that it was going to be filled out. Still, I had a lot of trouble understanding it. I had my dictionary out and we were going at it but we were having problems right away, as much because I couldn't believe what he was asking as because of not understanding the words. He spoke a little English and between that and my Japanese we managed to get through it - but not without a good deal of imagination stretching. What actually happened is still unclear, but it had to be done. (Just doing things that have to be done is a particular talent of the Japanese.) Since this gent was going to so much trouble for me, I was game too, and went to trouble for him. As I recall, it went something like this:
Him: " When was your last written driver's license test?"
Me: "When was my last ... ?" I said and stopped to think. He was waiting with his pen on the page. He needed to fill in an answer and I should not fail him. Vaguely remembering taking such a test in Marin County, California, at some time or times in the present geological age, I said, "Let's see, five years ago .... the first Tuesday in May." My tone was definite and authoritative. We were off to a good start.
Him: "Um-hmm. Five years ago. May 1984. Very good."
He continued in a nasal tone of voice which rose in pitch at the end of each question: "And was it a multiple choice or true/false test?" Actually he was speaking a mixture of English and Japanese and throughout this account I am sparing the reader questions like, "Tesuto wa A-B-C choisu make like test did? Or other like true?"
Me: Stretching back, I looked for an old driving test memory and sure enough, there it was. I could see the paper and the questions with the blank line on the left. How many feet can you safely drive behind a ... yes, it must be... "Multiple choice," I said wondering why anyone cared.
Him: "Yes. Hmm. Multiple choice. Okay." His follow-up threw me. "And what was your score?" He kept looking at the paper.
Me: Okay. What the hell. "Ninety-two." I answered proudly. Him: Writing carefully and drawing his voice out, "Ninety-two." He continued his quest for precise details. "And how many questions were there?"
Me: Unhesitatingly and enunciating clearly. "Twenty."
Wouldn't everybody say that? It might be right too. (but then the score couldn't have been ninety-two I realized later)
Him: Relieved and writing it down. "And what make of car were you driving then?"
Me: (Without trying to calculate for sure.) I've gone through a lot of cars but most of them have been, "Toyota." I'm getting into the swing of it.
Him: "Very good." and then spelling it out as he wrote with increased confidence that this is something we could in fact do. "T-O-Y-O-T-A." Now catch this. His next question: "What was the rank of the officer who administered this test?"
Me: I'm reeling in delight. I hadn't hoped for anything so wonderful to happen on this day. "He was an inspector."
We are on a roll. We are one. He puckered his lips ever so slightly and neatly entered the word "inspector" on the form in katakana. The way he wrote it, it would be pronounced, insupekkuta.
Him: "What office administered the test?" (At this point he listed some completely inapplicable Japanese government agencies.)
Me: "The DMV," I said truthfully.
Him: "Di-emu-bi?" he repeated it as they do in Japan, using their fifty sounds.
Me: "It stands for "The Department of Motor Vehicles," I explained. He liked it, I could tell.
Him: "And what section of government is the DMV under?"
Me: "The California State Police," I said and then thought back to my days of working for state government in California. No, it's probably directly under General Services, but ah, who cares. He liked the State Police idea anyway. Now get this.
Him: "And what language was the test administered in, Japanese or English?"
We were brought together soaring in a unique surrealistic world. Time stopped as I cherished the moment. When I heard the question echoing for the third time in my blissful state, I leaned down and, with a slight pause to show that I was considering the matter carefully, answered precisely:
Him: "English," and he circled it. "And did you take a driving test?"
Me: "Not at that time." I was trying to be honest. I probably should just have said yes.
Him: "When did you take a driving test?"
Me: "In 1978." Total stab.
Him: "1978. And was that your first driving test?"
Him: "When did you take your first driving test?"
Me: Gee, it had been a long time. My very first one? I had one back in '65 I think, but I was thirteen and a half when I got my beginners license. Thinking a second. "1958."
Him: A little thrown off. Looking up. "1958?"
Me: "Yes. Back then in Texas ... farm kids had to drive ... it's very ... wide." I stretched my arms out. The word "wide" did it. It's one of the main words they use in Japan to describe the U.S. It accounts for many differences and had just explained why I had a license at an age that must have seemed unthinkable to him. I wouldn't doubt that at that moment he formed the permanent thought that all people in the States, at least in Texas, start driving at thirteen, a fact which he might have connected with our high crime rate but which was also now likely to be associated with the concept "wide."
Him: Having been thrown off a little, returning to the flow. "And was this examination given on a test course or on the streets?"
Me: "Both." We're climbing again.
Him: "What make of car did you take the test in?"
Me: Never flinching but with no clear idea. "Chevrolet."
Him: "Would you spell that please?"
Me: "C - abc, H - hello, E - E.T., V - VSOP." I was proud of my clear choices up to that point and went confidently into the next letter. "R - Rambo." (A Japanese word, incidentally, pronounced about the same means "violence or rudeness.") He quickly wrote the "R." I went on to, "O - Okay." Now, the big one. "L - Lucky," and just to make sure, I gave it the Japanese pronunciation, "Eru." ("R" is "aru.") He wrote it down seemingly appreciative of the hint. "E - Elvis," he liked that, "T - Truman." He was old enough to know who that was. He looked up. There was a pause. I knew we were near the end. His lips parted.
Him: "How many CC's was the engine of the car?"
Me: I spoke back from timelessness and without thought. I had come to Japan to study the teaching beyond words and letters, and here I had surely found it. "How many CC's does a big car have?" I heard emanating from my throat.
Him: "2000 CC's."
Me: "2000 CC's."
After that, everything went white. I only vaguely remember floating from window #19 (where I'd arrived from #17 and prior to that from #5), floating, floating to window #1, and from there to #6. I had my picture taken twice, once in black and white for their files and the second time in color for the license itself. Between windows there were long waits which I spent across the street in a coffee shop. I would come back at the time they had told me and wade through throngs of people milling around or standing in lines that seemed to have nothing to do with me or what I was doing. There was never anyone at the windows that I used except the helpful and nervous public servants on the other side. They seemed to be easing me along as painlessly as possible. Little did they know that they were propelling me into states of ecstasy.
The last thing I did on the main floor of the building was to receive a membership card to an auto club. There were two bubbling young ladies at a booth there who presented it to me with a free velvet and plastic pocket-sized photo album. I was then told to proceed to room number three on the second floor. I returned pretty soon to ask directions again because I had opened the door to a room that was full of people sitting in school desk chairs listening to a lecture in Japanese. It turned out I had not opened the wrong door.
"Hurry!" they told me, excited and trying to help by running ahead, "It's already started." A few heads belonging to uniformed employees stuck out of their windows and watched with concern, several fingers pointed to make sure that I was going in the right direction. I ran behind one young blue-uniformed lady trying to keep up with her quick short deliberate steps up the curving staircase that gave me a view of the dwindling throng below and the places I'd been. There were a number of people looking at me the compulsive way people everywhere look at someone different. I looked back up and she was there holding the door open, not the back door but the front door, and I walked into the room to find myself face to face with the speaker, a decorated, uniformed officer. He gestured kindly toward an empty seat and I walked in front of a hundred or so people and sat down to about forty minutes of a driving lecture in Japanese. I tried to understand as much as possible, while a very high percentage of the audience slept. I caught a bit and I think the speaker appreciated my efforts as I appreciated everyone's efforts there that day to guide me through what "cannot be helped," as they say.
Looking back on that event, I cannot remember at what point I received my license. I do have it, but it's hardly used except to show off. "See, I've got one."
We had a motorcycle for a while that was on loan from a friend who lives at the temple. I drove it down town and back once and it took as long as it does by bicycle and I just got terrified instead of exercise. I always worried too when Elin, who has an international license, drove it. She noticed that people didn't relate to her on the road with as much courtesy as they gave her when she was on a bicycle. People look out for you here when you're on a bicycle, but she came home on the motorbike shook up a few times because she'd practically been run off the road. So we returned it. Cars are expensive to maintain and run. If a foreigner gets in an accident here it's a real hassle and, according to Ishitaki, if a car is in an accident with a bicycle or a pedestrian, the driver of the car is always considered to be at fault. So maybe it's better not to drive a car at all she had suggested. Bop in Kyoto says that if one does drive, it's better to feign total ignorance of everything including the Japanese language than to carry a license. Often the police will just let you go rather than face the hassle. That's an old trick I used in Mexico many years ago. And with the wonderful mass transit system here, why bother?
Nevertheless, I do have my official Japanese driver's license. I'm proud of it and it reminds me of a transcendent experience I had with Japanese bureaucrats one autumn day by the Inland Sea.
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